YeWook: Missing You

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I drummed my hands on the table as I waited for the clock to strike 11.

How can it just be 10:30 in the evening?!

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I heard Teukie hyung groan beside me as the drumming grew louder.

"Can you please stop that?" He said and sighed as he reached for his coffee tumbler, gave a small sip and made a bitter face as he realized his coffee was already cold. "You've been doing that ever since Sukira started."

I stopped myself from drumming my fingers again and flexed them instead.

"Sorry." I muttered. "It's just that... the time is so freakin' slow."

Teukie hyung looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"'The time is so freakin' slow?' or 'I just can't wait for Sukira to end so I can say goodbye to Ryeowookshii'?" He smiled as he said them, teasing me. I gave him a look that said 'whatever' and twirled my seat around so I didn't have to face him. I heard him chuckle as I did.

He was right though. Ryeowook and the rest of the SJM members were flying to Taiwan tonight and I just wanted to say goodbye to him not over the phone. It'll be awhile before I see him again.

I grimaced at the cheesiness of it all and slumped in my seat.

But what shall I say? I pondered. I'm not usually the guy who says "take care" or "i'll miss you". What I am though is the type of guy who says, "Have fun at Taiwan, I hope they let you eat one of those weird dish they have" or "I'll be sure to call you at once when the lead guy in your fave drama dies".

Yes. I have a weird way of showing how much I miss somebody.

I sighed and checked my phone again just to see if there were any messages from him. None.

"Why don't you just admit that you'll miss him?" Teukie hyung asked.

"Hyung," I turned around and pointed at myself. "Admit to Ryeowookshii? That I miss him? You don't know me at all."

Teukie hyung shook his head as he gave up.

Yes, I will miss him. More than anybody else. But I didn't want to say that. It just sounds so... I don't know.

I suddenly envied Eunhyuk and Sungmin who got to be a part of the group and didn't have to wait around for Donghae and Kyuhyun to finish. Or the fact that they're not embarrassed about admitting how much they miss each other. Now why couldn't I have been added to that group too so I didn't have to feel all these stubborn emotions?

"We're on again." Leetuk hyung said and we both took our places. We did the usual chats and talked about what happened today but my mind went out to Wookie again. All this "missing Ryeowook thing" was eating me up.

2 months. 2 months in Taiwan.

That's okay. I decided to comfort myself rather than wallow in misery. Remember last time they didn't call for so long and Heechul Hyung threw Hankyung Hyung's things around just cause he was so mad that the other didn't call him or anything?

But that was only for a week! I found myself fighting back with my thoughts. This is 2 months. 2 long months!

But it's not like they aren't going to call, my thoughts argued back again. Be reasonable. Ryeowook will call you. He always does.

He will... right?

"Right Yesungshii?" Leeteuk hyung asked snapping me out from my worries.

What? I gave him a look and he rolled his eyes.

"Uh yeah! That's right. Ne majayo." I quickly replied. I am definitely going to get an earful from Teukie hyung later on.

"Okay, that's all we have for today! Thanks for tuning in to Super Junior's Kiss The Radio." Leeteuk hyung and I ended the program and we gave everyone a low bow, thanking them for their hard work. It made me guilty that they gave me one too knowing how much I spaced out today because I was too preoccupied with thinking about Ryeowook.

"Hey hyung," I said as I caught up with him outside waiting for our ride home. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so careless today."

Surprisingly, Teukie hyung gave me a sympathetic smile and said, "Don't worry. I know how much you're anxious about Ryeowook being away for too long." He handed me my jacket and added. "Don't forget, you're looking at a guy who's waiting for someone for 2 years. Be thankful it's just 2 months for you."

I nodded. Yeah, I should probably be thankful.

"Weren't you rushing this evening?" Leeteuk Hyung said as we climbed in the van. "Weren't you going to say goodbye to Ryeowook?"

I looked at the time. Almost midnight. Shit.

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me." I closed the van doors and asked the driver if it was alright to hurry it up to the dorm.

"What time does their plane leave again?" Leeteuk asked.

"One in the morning. They have to be in the airport at this hour but you know how Sungmin packs everything so they'll probably be late anyway." I hope.

The van continued to dive smoothly as silence grew. The streetlights reflected the look on my face and I saw myself anxious.

"You guys really need to stop fighting." Leeteuk hyung said by my side. Startled, I looked at him and saw my reflection again on his side. It was then that I understood why I looked anxious. Why it bothered me so much to see Ryeowook before he left.

Ryeowook and I argue. A lot. But yesterday, it was the biggest fight we ever had all because I was such an insensitive jerk. I don't even know why we fought in the first place now. All I know was that it was something petty and I just struck a nerve. A nerve that Ryeowook usually hides but I just had to tap into. All thanks to me.

"You two are even worse than Eunhyukshii and Donghaeshii." He continued, chuckling to what he said.

"You're right hyung," I muttered. "I'm the one who starts these things anyway. Without meaning too, of course. I should really stop fighting with him."

Silence grew in the car as I contemplated why I was doing it all the time. Fighting with him.

I love Ryeowook. Though a lot of people doubt that. The kid is really sweet and gentle and funny. And he laughs all the time, hides his pain and takes care of everyone else. Takes care of me...

And how do I show him I love him? By teasing him. Bickering with him. Destroying those sweet moments I have with him all because I get all conscious when he's around and scared that he might find someone else to bicker with while he's away.

I'm no different like those guys you see in movies where they act like a jerk to the one they have a crush on because they just can't seem to express their selves well. And I call myself a singer. An artist. Expressing myself should be easy...

I really should grow up. I don't want Ryeowook to leave for 2 months with this immature impression of me.

I need to grow up, I repeated in my mind.

And the first thing I'm going to do when I see him tonight, is tell him that I'll miss him. I nodded at my thoughts, already decided and confident about how this will turn out to be.

The van made it's way into the dorm's parking area and Leeteuk hyung and I got out. Urging him to hurry up while we rode the elevator, I kept on repeating "I'll miss you" in my head knowing that this was going to be the first time I was going to say it to him.

The elevator stopped at our floor and I hurried out and took my keys from my pocket. Leeteuk hyung panted from behind but nevertheless, eager to see his "kids" before they all leave.

As the door swung open I rushed inside and slammed into Shindong.

"What the hell?" He rubbed his forehead as he saw me on the ground and Leeteuk hyung peered inside.

"What are you all rushing over here for?" He asked as he helped me up from where I sat on the floor.

"Ryeowook..." I muttered rubbing my own forehead as well. "I just wanted to say goodbye to them before they all leave."

"Yeah." Leeteuk hyung chimed in from behind. "We're out early."

Shindong stared at the both of us.

"What?" I asked.

He looked at Teukie hyung then at me and said,

"Didn't anyone tell you? Their flight changed. They left about two hours ago."

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I stared up at the ceiling as I adjusted the pillows on my head.

It was hard getting back to sleep and my forehead throbbed from where I bumped into Shindong.

Their flight changed. They left about two hours ago.

It didn't bother me that they left. They had to. It was work.

What bothered me though was that Ryeowook didn't call to say goodbye, I didn't get to "redeem" myself in front of him and most of all...

Most of all... I won't see him in 2 months.

I turned over and saw the time read 4 am.

Great. I'm losing sleep because of this.

I was about to force myself to go to sleep when my phone rang. Immediately thinking about Ryeowook, I slammed the phone in my ear.

"Yoboseyo?" I said, sounding a little too eager.

"Oh Yesungaah." My mother's voice replied.

"Oh." I answered back now sounding a little downtrodden but at the same time relieved to hear that it wasn't his voice. I don't think I could tell Ryeowook "I miss you" now over the phone.

"Hey mom, what are you doing up at this time?" I asked, staring back up at the ceiling.

"I couldn't sleep." She replied. "It happens a lot now when I feel that you and your brother is being anxious about something."

I chuckled. "You're not psychic now, are you Mom?"

She laughed and I suddenly missed her.

"Oh so I am right?" She said. "Are you okay?"

After a moment's silence, I replied, "Not so much. But hearing your voice makes it better."

She sighed. "I can tell you don't want to talk about it. That's okay. I'm glad you told me about it anyway rather than saying you're fine."

I smiled at the other end of the line and was thankful I didn't sleep yet. Talking to your mother always does the trick of making you feel better regardless of how old you are.

We talked for 10 minutes more and I can hear her getting drowsy so I decided to say goodbye.

"You better get some sleep too." She said and before we could end the conversation, she added, "I miss you."

I paused. I began to think about something and asked.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Yesung?"

I tapped my fingers on the head board.

"Is it alright to tell me you miss me, even though you can't say it infront of me?" I asked. "Is it okay to tell me you miss me, even if it's just over the phone?"

"Sweetie," She started. "If you miss someone so much, you don't need a proper time and place to say that."

I slowly smiled.

"Mom?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I'm alright now." I replied. I could just see her smiling at the other end of the line as we both said our goodbyes.

I stared at my phone in my hand, smiling to myself.

I'll call him. I thought. I'll tell him I miss him over the phone. It may not be the best thing to do but at least I can say it rather than not talking to him at all

With a new feeling now growing in my chest, I began calling his phone.

It rang.

I felt relieved. But as the seconds grew longer, I found that he wasn't answering at all.

Again, I dialed his number and listened. Nothing.

And then suddenly, maybe because it was so still tonight or I just lacked sleep but there was something ringing in the living room.

Getting up, dread started to form inside me.

What if he left his phone? What if he didn't bring it at all?

But as I walked to the living room, a new thought just occurred to me.

What if he's... here?

I flicked on the light switch in the living room and there indeed, huddled on the small couch, was Ryeowook's tiny figure.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Have I fallen asleep again? Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

I slowly walked towards him and saw him sleeping, his chest rising up and down.

I knelt beside him and gently stroked his hair, to prove he was real. That he was really here.

His eyes stirred as my fingers came into contact and I instantly withdrew them.

"Who's there?" He muttered, covering his eyes from the glare of the lights I just turned on. I went and flicked it off.

"It's me, Yesung." I whispered, still wondering if his presence was real.

Like a little kid, he slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes at the back of his hands. My heart immediately felt overwhelmed at the sight of him, all ruffled up.

"Oh hyung..." He said, his voice lingering and I knew he still didn't forget about that fight we had.

"What... What are you doing here?" I asked and suddenly wished I could've changed my tone a little. I sounded like I didn't want him to be here at all.

Even though the lights were out, I could see him scowl as he stood up.

"Hyung, don't start with me. Really." He said and I grimaced at the tone of his voice.

"Listen, I wasn't - "

"No, YOU listen. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm all sore." He said as he motioned to the tiny couch which got me thinking why he wasn't in his room. "We got our flights messed up and had to stay at the airport for hours and then miss it again accidentally so everyone's all cranky and I just ask that you please, whatever you're about to say, just please not start with me."

I just stared at him as he said all this. And then at last he sighed.

"I'm sorry hyung. I didn't mean to say all that. I'm just-"

"Tired." I answered. "I get it. And you really need to sleep. I'm sorry for waking you up in the first place."

I clambered back up and slowly walked away. Telling him I missed him wouldn't do the situation any good now.

"Hyung.." I heard him start and I looked back to see him shake his head and say, "nevermind."

I was about to walk away again when I heard my mother's voice. About what she said...

If you miss someone so much, you don't need a proper time and place to say that.

I stopped.

"Ryeowookaah..." I said as I turned and saw him still standing.

He looked at me. Waiting.

"I...I missed you."

He stared at me and I did too. There. I said it.

I didn't wait for his response. Nor had I expected any. Without waiting for anything at all, I turned and walked towards my bedroom.

But I never did reach it. I never got to twist that doorknob.

Small arms tugged at my waist and clasped me from behind as Ryeowook gave me a hug.

"I missed you too." He whispered and I could feel his tired and weary body holding on to me. "I missed you too." He repeated.

I stopped and stared at those small hands below me. Gripping at my waist.

Slowly, I covered it with mine and sighed.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and I knew he heard it.

We stood like that for a long time. And I didn't even care if somebody found us like that.

I was happy. Happy that he was here. Happy that I didn't have to call. Happy that we weren't fighting anymore.

I was about to turn around and face him when I felt almost all of his weight on my back. He really was dead tired.

"Ryeowookaah.." I nudged.

"Mmmm." He replied.

"You need to go to sleep." I said.

His hands tightened at my waist.

"Can't I sleep like this?" He muttered and I chuckled.

"You're too heavy. I can't hold you up." I teased and he slightly bumped his head at my back.

"Babo hyung... Way to ruin the moment." He said and I bit my lip. There I go again.

"Sorry. Ok, you know what, don't move." I said and without waiting for his reply, I lifted him up on my back and carried him to my bedroom.

"Yah!" He suddenly cried out and I shushed him up.

"Everyone's still sleeping." I whispered and held back my laughter.

I could hear him giggling as well, clutching at my neck as we made our way into my room.

"Ryeowookaah.." I said, enjoying the warmth he was giving me from behind.

"Hmm?" He asked

And just like telling him I missed him, I knew that what I was about to say didn't need a proper time and place either.

"I love you."

I bit the insides of my cheeks from smiling so wide when it suddenly gave way when Ryeowook placed a small kiss at the back of my neck.

"I love you too." He replied.

And with that, I gently placed him on the bed and silently closed the door behind us.